THE ALTER EGO

i have no patience for daniel right now, and i think it is really a time when he needs it most. his family is being horrible or at least that how he makes them sound. i guess his grandma pulled him aside tonight and asked why he is doing autmotive technology stuff instead of a business major or something else. it really tears him apart, and then he gets all mopey and then i want to kill him. i am not sure if i can handle his family and his way of dealing with his family. it makes me want to scream! why can they not accept that he is doing what he likes and wants to do. he tried college- he took astronomy, english, math, history, art history, spanish and business classes. he definately discovered what he liked and disliked, and then he decided to be a mechanic. and that's just not good enough for his family. i am not really sure where i am going with this- or if it really had a desitnation.

i was inturrupted by a very kind gentlemen that came in to rent a room. the only reason i met him was because somone died. he was staying with friends and they had a death in the family, so he was bumped out to make room for more family members. he was very interested in the fact that chemistry is my major and the fact that my generation has drive and he thinks generation x does not. so he thinks our two generations will always be clashing and it'll be an interesting political scene in 20 years. it was a very enlightening and positive conversation. it really makes you happy to hear something positive huh? i am off work in twenty minutes, although these last little bit usually goes by so slow. i am going to try and get through it, and then call my brother when i get off work on my walk home, and when i get home i am going to smoke a little something and finish rearranging my room. i'm off to pack up and get ready to go home... ah home...

this must be my depression blog. i only post on here when i have already blogged about it all on Mmm Hmm. oh well. it's my blog and i'll do as i please.

today is thanksgiving. the worst, most stupidest holiday that completely shows what morons the american people are. i'm really not one to love thanksgiving or to really see the point behind it, but now that i cannot go home and be with my mama i'm a little sad. it doesn't help that it seems like the entire town of eugene has vacated as well. unluckily my roommate is still here, ans she's thinking about having a party with all of her stupid friends on saturday. i don't say stupid to be mean or judgmental. it really is the truth. they all work and abercrombi and fitch, adn really are the largest group of stupid people you will ever meet. they are nice. just stupid. i am feeling pretty sorry for myself. i wanted a weekend of quiteness, but all i have heard is a loud tv. last night the roomie left a note asking us to keep the kitchen cleaner because it stays clean for only an hour at tops. so not true. and there were a few dishes in the sink. she acts like it was torn apart- like after thanksgiving dinner or something. she so sensitive about our dishes, but yet she has no problem leaving shit out as she runs out the door for work. i don't want to come home and she her dirty dishes either. i wish i could afford a deceint place by myself. where i would have to answer to anyone. i thought i wanted to live with daniel, but i am not so sure anymore. i have no idea how much longer we are going to last, or if we will break up at all. i just really have no idea. we have our two year anniversary coming up in two weeks. i ma not sure if we are going to do anything for it. maybe just spend the day together- no plans. thankfully it is after finals so i don't have to worry about no making time for daniel.

in other news- i am really excited for new years at the beach. we are renting a house and getting a keg. i think there are 17 or 18 people signed up to come, and i know most of them. erin has put a stipulation on the hot tub... after 11pm there are no swimsuits allowed. i totally vetoed that one, but there are a lot more people out there that would go for it. it's one thing to have 4 friends goofing off drunk and naked, but i cannot stand to have all of my best friends and some other people that i don't know watching ym naked self get out of a hot tub. i am just not doing it. i'll stay inside for all i care. and they had better hope the hot tub is up and running. i really hope people do not get too drunk and end up breaking shit. i ma not in the mood to watch over drunk people anyway. there will be poker one of the nights, which dan is really looking forward to. i am most worried about how i would look. my goal was to work out and get in shape so that i didn't look the worst in a swimsuit. well so much for working out, or eating right, or anything else i have tried to commit myself to. i just cannot bring myself to go to the rec center. i hate how busy it always is, not matter what time of freaking day it is. and i hate the fact that i am so out of shape- soley for the reason that i do not go to the rec. it is quite a cycle, and i am determined to work out for the next couple of weeks, even if it means running outside in 40 degree rainy weather. and then when we come back to school the rec will open again. i hate how it closes during the break. yes it is only fair that the students who work there can go home too, but i would like to have that available to me over the break, since i am here in eugene anyway. maybe i'll use the stuff at work. i can come work out while dan paints... oh it is geneous! we'll see if i do that or run outside. it depends on how guilty i feel for using the workout room.

i have about 45 minutes left at work and i am so done right now. i'm not sure if i want to smoke the very little i have at home right now or if i want to wait. i could smoke it tonight this way i am not thinking about the right time to smoke it all weekend, or i could wait until tomorrow after work or even saturday morning. i wish dnaiel had left me with more goodies, but that's the way he is. if he's not here he's not thinking about it. oh well. maybe it is a good thing, maybe i can get more homework done, and still clean my room and the bathroom. oh the bathroom. it really needs to be cleaned, but i just cannot bring myself to do it. maybe this weekend i'll clean the bathroom and megan will wash the kitchem floors that have NOT been washed since we moved in... like 6 months ago. oh i know- gross. but at least there is nothing growing, and we do vacuum it often. yes you read vacuum, not sweep. ha. there are rugs, so it's way easier to just vacuum.

anyway- i worry about the trivial things like when to smoke the little bit of goodies left, or the bathroom and then i worry about whether dan and i will break up before our 2 year anniversar. i surely hope not, but you never know. especially with the way this morning went. i thought he was going to get up sort of early to go to work for a bit and then come home so we could hang out before he left for portland to see his family. well i guess he thought he would sleep in or lay around, so when i started to pick up the room her got mad and slammed stuff around for half and hour before he left. i tried to go for a run while he was gone, but it started raining 15 minutes into it, and then... he also got mad at me for laying down because he said i made such a fuss about him laying down. only i was on the bed because i felt so damn miserable about being alone this weekend, and he being upset. we actually had a fight. i mean we've fought before, but this one seemed that much more real. meh whatever. i just wish he could ahve left on a better note. we did apologize to eachother, but there was still some shame when he drove off. i know we will be ok, it just sucks.

i am going to start packing some things up so i can be ready to leave whent he time comes, and then go home and sleep because i have to babysit for 6 hours and then man a front desk for 8... 14 hours of straight work. i really do question my sanity.