THE ALTER EGO

Daniel has come to frusrate the hell out of me. And it is bcause he does not take care of his end of things. We are headed up to Seattle to visit his family and some of mine, yet I am not sure what days we are going, when we are available to see who... I have no answers for my family because Daniel is behind on his phone calls. I am also frustrated that he did not work yesterday, and has hardly done anything today. Why is it so hard for him to be responsible?

I am not really sure why I get so upset when he does not work. Maybe because my employer was kind enough to hire him to get a job done by a dead line, and now he is fucking around!That's cause enough for frustration right? He just seems so wreckless, and forgetfull, and then he takes care of things at the last minute. I just don't know what the hell to do. Nagging does not take care of it, and I know he should not be the only one to change, but he should try harder damn it! He has gone his whole college career without finding a real job, he just been flying by the seat of his pants and it annoys the hell out of me. I need stability.

I just do not understand why he is always goofing off instead of working or doing something productive. It seems that every chance he gets he is taking a break. I want a break. I want to have time to myself and not have to remind him nof things all the time. He is constantly late with his rent checks and then he gets all stressed out. He then does not have enough time to call his roommates for checks, so he overdraws his account. I am always paying for things. I just want someone who can take care of themselves most of the time, and me sometimes. I need more support than Daniel can provide half the time. He is so non-chelant about everything- except when it comes to his family.

I know I should relax and not get myself so worked up. I know I should try to handle things better, and let Daniel handle his own stuff, but it seems that he can't. He is forever screwing shit up. He hardly ever takes cre of his dishes on time, never makes the bed or picks his horrible clothes up, does not contribute to the laundry money. And he doesn't eat healthy food, so we end up spending our money on dietary shit. I hate that he pokes me and calls me stupid things like Enron ( because I am scandalous. How stupid is that. I want things that are right and nice, and that I know will work out. I am not sure if I can handle Daniel- his cars, his car talk, his low expectations for everything, and the fact that he lets people walk all over him. Maybe things will be better next term. We can get his room set up at his house so that he can spend time over there with Timmy and catcat. I am nervous about the beach. I am scared that I am going to get drunk and end up making out with Paul because there's always been that attraction between us and now he is leaving. I know that would be horrible for Erin and probably Dan.

I am just really fed up with everything. I have no idea what I want half the time and it is driving me crazy. For example- Daniel. I know he is a good guy and would make a great husband if he could get some of his stuff together... But sometimes I feel like I am settling or moving too fast. As stupid as it is, my goal has always been to get married and have babies. I love children and I want to raise good little people that will go out and do wonderful things for the world. Maybe Daniel is not the right person he just feels that way right now. I have never dated anyone else.

It's just that Daniel hardly thinks anything through. It's whatever he feel like, when he feels like it. I really don't want blowout or argument at the beach. I want to have a good time, but I am really irritated with him. Maybe I will drive out with Andrew tomorrow and Daniel can go pick up Dov in Salem. I just wish Daniel would realize that there are people waiting on him for his choices and decisions and not everything is independent of each other, especially when you are in a relationship. He asked my if going up to Washington was ok for Wednesday/Thursday- and I work on Thursday... I mean come on! So now I have to try and request a night off. I may not even go up to Washington. I could just stay home and not deal with traveling or gifts. Just go to work and read a bit. We'll see. I am ready for another break- although I am technically on break! Bleh.

tim came into town tonight. everyone will be hanging out with him and i will be here at work. to top it off... i have work all day tomorrow and a bit saturday night. and now daniel is working on our 2 year anniversary when we were supposed to get a christmas tree. i asked daniel to fix my bike this morning and he has yet to do. i asked him to fix it before he heads out to do anything tonight, and then he made plans, that did not include fixing my bike at all, right in front of me and i totally lost my patience. i have been ragging on him to fix the damn thing since the summer! i know i should just do it myself, but don't have the tools or know where he put all of the parts. he made some off hand comment and i told him to not worry about the bike, that i can walk. i don't want to walk. but if he feels like i am trying to inhibit his time with friends, well then go enjoy your friends and you can deal with girlfriend that'll be pissed off because she had to walk for half an hour in 32 degree weather at 7:30 in the morning. i probably won't even see him because he'll be too drunk to drive home tonight and will end up staying at his house. i wa so excited to be done with my finals, and now i am just pissed off. i guess it'll be good to go home and watch a movie and then just go to bed. i don't need to hang out with daniel anyway. he's been bugging me too much. i know he's going to be upset and probably end up bad mouthing me, but who cares. the people he is going to hang out aren't really people i want to associate with anyway.

i am just really frustrated. i don't think he is being very fair right now, but it's not like i can say that. i've let the damn bike thing go so many times, its really not worth it right now. pick your battles right? what's my comfort for an extra half an hour of fun for daniel right? who the hell am i to ask, once again, to have my bike fixed. i'm just a grueling bitch that is over-demanding and doesn't want daniel to have fun.

i don't even have anything to follow that last part up with... i just want to be able to go too.

I just im'ed erin, well not just. A little while ago. I asked her how deadweek was for her (last week of classes in the term) and how her finals schedule is, and we talked about next term a little. And then I asked what she was up to tonight. She said a kegger. And then said she had to go watch tv and clean. Like that was more important than talking to me, more interesting. I feel completely hurt, and maybe I am making a bigger deal out of this than it is, but it just seems like she is always in a rush to not talk to me. we haven't hung out in a while, and I wish we would. Maybe Dan can call Paul or Erin and see if they'd like to do something. I'm not sure if we did something wrong, if I said something... And I really wish I knew. I want to do something tonight. I will be studying most of the night at work, and sometimes you just need a break. I don't really want to go home and sit around, although I should go home and sleep so I can study tomorrow. Actually I am going to study some more, and try not to pity myself and waist precious brain space on this subject. I really hope things are fine, but I can worry about it when I am off the clock, and done studying. Maybe we'll do something with Dov tonight...

Daniel and I have decided to get each other Christmas, as well, as anniversary presents. It'll be our two year anniversary on the 11th of this month. Daniel has asked for wrenches and work pants, so that he doesn't ruin another pair of good pants. I really don't want to get him that stuff, but he does need it, and I'm not really sure what else I would get him. I am also not sure what I want from him. He refuses to buy me clothes, so that's out. I think it would be awesome if we could do to a Duck's basketball game for our anniversary. Neither of us have been to one in our four years in Eugene, plus we're supposed to be pretty good this year. I just don't know. Plus I have to get presents for Che', her mom, someone in my imidiate family, a birthday present for my roommate, and I think that is it. Maybe a little something for myself for passing all my classes and doing well- like a good digital camera (dream. dream. dream)? Or maybe I should just pay off my credit cards. Oh the choices.

On a totally other note- I'm bummed. My friend Paul is headed to Oklahoma for his Army stuff. He and Erin are pretty much broken up, and I feel like they're breaking up with me too. Erin never calls me to go out with her. She has all these new friends that she does stuff with. I wish Pauls would call to see what Dan and I are doing too, but it just doesn't happen. It's like they totally forget about us, like we're not cool. I know I can definately call them to see what they are doing, but I feel like such an imposition, a tag-along if you will. Hopefully we can get together after finals, but before everyone heads up to Portland. I hope that this New Years will be good. Everyone will be there, well Dan and Tim are still tenative, so almost everyone. We'll see.