Thursday, August 24, 2006
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living...
That's the title of the book I am reading right now. I've realized that I am overly stressing myself worrying about big things, little things, things that really are not worth the time and effort.
So here I am at the end of chapter one and these are suggested questions to answer.
1. Do I tend to put off living in the present in order to worry about the future, or to yearn for some "magical rose garden over the horizon"?
Answer: Hells yes! Maybe there shouldn't be an exclimation point at then end, but whatever. I do worry a lot, I grew up worrying. Most of the time instead of dealing with something, actually dealing with it, I'll lay down and think of the many ways to deal with it. If I am lucky, I'll fix it. Usually I don't and then I come home, lay down and worry about it some more. Freaking healthy huh?
2. Do I sometimes embitter the present by regretting things that happened in the past-that are over and done with?
Answer: Hells freaking yes! I do think back to some of the mistakes I've made and think "what the hell?". I am one of those people that just can't get over somethings. But now? Now I am not one of those people, or at least I am working towards not worry about the closed doors of yesterday.
3.Do I get up in the morning determined to "Seize the day"- to get the utmost of these twenty-four hours?
Answer: No. No I really don't. I've always hated that quote for some reason. Maybe because I am generally lazy and enjoy the "I'll get to it tomorrow" attitude- which DUh! Stress! But that's ok, or at least it was ok.
4.Can I get more out of life by "living in the day-tight compartments"?
Answer: Maybe? I am sure things will get better once I learn to live for today and today mostly. But I'm not there yet, so I am not 100% sure.
lastly 5. When shall I start to do this? Next week...? Tomorrow? Today?
Answer: I am trying to start this right now. And tomorrow. And next week.
So here I am at the end of chapter one and these are suggested questions to answer.
1. Do I tend to put off living in the present in order to worry about the future, or to yearn for some "magical rose garden over the horizon"?
Answer: Hells yes! Maybe there shouldn't be an exclimation point at then end, but whatever. I do worry a lot, I grew up worrying. Most of the time instead of dealing with something, actually dealing with it, I'll lay down and think of the many ways to deal with it. If I am lucky, I'll fix it. Usually I don't and then I come home, lay down and worry about it some more. Freaking healthy huh?
2. Do I sometimes embitter the present by regretting things that happened in the past-that are over and done with?
Answer: Hells freaking yes! I do think back to some of the mistakes I've made and think "what the hell?". I am one of those people that just can't get over somethings. But now? Now I am not one of those people, or at least I am working towards not worry about the closed doors of yesterday.
3.Do I get up in the morning determined to "Seize the day"- to get the utmost of these twenty-four hours?
Answer: No. No I really don't. I've always hated that quote for some reason. Maybe because I am generally lazy and enjoy the "I'll get to it tomorrow" attitude- which DUh! Stress! But that's ok, or at least it was ok.
4.Can I get more out of life by "living in the day-tight compartments"?
Answer: Maybe? I am sure things will get better once I learn to live for today and today mostly. But I'm not there yet, so I am not 100% sure.
lastly 5. When shall I start to do this? Next week...? Tomorrow? Today?
Answer: I am trying to start this right now. And tomorrow. And next week.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Fading into the background.
When it comes down to it I feel like I am one of those people that just hangs out in the background. I am not the life of the party in any sense. I do have a big mouth, but what I say is never really important or ground breaking, or even all that funny.
I've had one of those summers that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of me. I am in my last year of college. I have developed a tight, close-knit group of friends, but that's it. Most of them have branched out, moved away, or lost touch. Basically I have no friends. I feel LAME. And then I pity myself and feel ten times more LAME.
I hate the fact that I compare myself to other people, to Daniel, to friends, to strangers. I wish I was more confident and just plain old liked myself better.
Why do I feel so bad about myself, some one somewhere might ask...? Well my ex-roommate decided that she did not want to talk to me while living together because I was just too awful, and then my best friend has not been telling me about crucial life-changing things in her life because she though I "was too busy to deal with her problems". Going through those experiences back to back makes a person wonder about themselves. And for me anytime there is doubt there probably is truth.
I know I am a good person. I strive to be polite, helpful, loving, supportive... Understanding.
I just feel like I am going to lead a dull, unsuccessful, lonely life. That's a very scary feeling.
I've had one of those summers that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of me. I am in my last year of college. I have developed a tight, close-knit group of friends, but that's it. Most of them have branched out, moved away, or lost touch. Basically I have no friends. I feel LAME. And then I pity myself and feel ten times more LAME.
I hate the fact that I compare myself to other people, to Daniel, to friends, to strangers. I wish I was more confident and just plain old liked myself better.
Why do I feel so bad about myself, some one somewhere might ask...? Well my ex-roommate decided that she did not want to talk to me while living together because I was just too awful, and then my best friend has not been telling me about crucial life-changing things in her life because she though I "was too busy to deal with her problems". Going through those experiences back to back makes a person wonder about themselves. And for me anytime there is doubt there probably is truth.
I know I am a good person. I strive to be polite, helpful, loving, supportive... Understanding.
I just feel like I am going to lead a dull, unsuccessful, lonely life. That's a very scary feeling.
Friday, August 04, 2006
RANT 2!
I feel totally sad and upset, nervous, angry, excited... You name it I've felt it today.
Tonight we are drving up to Portland, and then on to Seattle for a wedding. The last few days leading up to our trip has been quite eventful. To start things off- it's that time of the month, which makes any stressful situation that much worse and any non-stressful situation a breeding ground for freak outs.
Right now I am totally pissed with Dan. He is setting up a TV he just bought froma friend instead of packing for our wedding adventure. Yesterday I was pissed because we were headed up to Seattle, 5 hours from home, with no place to stay yet plans of staying in Seattle over night. Wednesday I was pissed because he didn't have his breaks fixed. Yesterday I was pissed because he has failed again at getting his breaks fixed. Today at lunch? The same problem. Finally he took the damned car to Les Schwab instead of waiting for friends to call him back. That put him out 200 bucks.
I am also pissed because earlier I asked him to water my plants before he goes- I will not be back to the apartment before we hit the road. He said ok. Just now I asked him what he'll be doing when he gets home and all he said was packing. I reminded him to water the plants and he told me to stop testing him. If I remind him constantly about doing something like paying his cell phone bill or calling his family he gets pissed and says I nag him. If I don't nag and try to gently remind I am testing. What other freaking options do I have left? Well of course I can completely not worry about Daniel's crap, but it's not only Dan's crap b/c somehow it all ends up back on my plate anyway.
The worst part of today is that we are giving our friend Tom a ride home on our way, which means a 30 minute stop on a two-and-a-half-hour trip. It's not a stop I really want to make and it's not a ride I really want to give, but I can't say no b/c Tom's a great guy. I just feel like everything is spiralling out of control. I have this feeling just about every day of my life, but it gets pretty bad when I travel or I've looked at a credit card balance or when I realize I have to take out a 12,000 loan from a bank because the government caps how much one person can take our for undergrad loans. WTF am I going to do? And now that we are giving Tom a ride I am not going to have a chance to talk to Dan about everything that is upsetting me, which means I have to bottle it up, and that makes me want to explode and break something!
Everytime something happens, be it me freaking out about not having a place for us to stay or him not calling when he ends up being two hours late, I feel like things do not REALLY get worked out. Sure the situation passed, but no commitment is made to try harder. Nothing changes, and a month later we're back at it for the same old stuff. It drives me BAT SHIT!
The good news, Dan will be quitting his smoking habit at the end of the summer. Thus he will actually have money to help with the bills. At least he'd better.
So right now, boys and money are my problems. What other problem can a girl have? Really?
Tonight we are drving up to Portland, and then on to Seattle for a wedding. The last few days leading up to our trip has been quite eventful. To start things off- it's that time of the month, which makes any stressful situation that much worse and any non-stressful situation a breeding ground for freak outs.
Right now I am totally pissed with Dan. He is setting up a TV he just bought froma friend instead of packing for our wedding adventure. Yesterday I was pissed because we were headed up to Seattle, 5 hours from home, with no place to stay yet plans of staying in Seattle over night. Wednesday I was pissed because he didn't have his breaks fixed. Yesterday I was pissed because he has failed again at getting his breaks fixed. Today at lunch? The same problem. Finally he took the damned car to Les Schwab instead of waiting for friends to call him back. That put him out 200 bucks.
I am also pissed because earlier I asked him to water my plants before he goes- I will not be back to the apartment before we hit the road. He said ok. Just now I asked him what he'll be doing when he gets home and all he said was packing. I reminded him to water the plants and he told me to stop testing him. If I remind him constantly about doing something like paying his cell phone bill or calling his family he gets pissed and says I nag him. If I don't nag and try to gently remind I am testing. What other freaking options do I have left? Well of course I can completely not worry about Daniel's crap, but it's not only Dan's crap b/c somehow it all ends up back on my plate anyway.
The worst part of today is that we are giving our friend Tom a ride home on our way, which means a 30 minute stop on a two-and-a-half-hour trip. It's not a stop I really want to make and it's not a ride I really want to give, but I can't say no b/c Tom's a great guy. I just feel like everything is spiralling out of control. I have this feeling just about every day of my life, but it gets pretty bad when I travel or I've looked at a credit card balance or when I realize I have to take out a 12,000 loan from a bank because the government caps how much one person can take our for undergrad loans. WTF am I going to do? And now that we are giving Tom a ride I am not going to have a chance to talk to Dan about everything that is upsetting me, which means I have to bottle it up, and that makes me want to explode and break something!
Everytime something happens, be it me freaking out about not having a place for us to stay or him not calling when he ends up being two hours late, I feel like things do not REALLY get worked out. Sure the situation passed, but no commitment is made to try harder. Nothing changes, and a month later we're back at it for the same old stuff. It drives me BAT SHIT!
The good news, Dan will be quitting his smoking habit at the end of the summer. Thus he will actually have money to help with the bills. At least he'd better.
So right now, boys and money are my problems. What other problem can a girl have? Really?
Thursday, August 03, 2006
grrreat...
so basically life totally sucks right now, and by that i mean that i am being totally girly and meoldramaticy and really? it sucks.
i hate it when i freak out. i hate the fact that everything has to be in order and the plans have to be set before i can actually breath. but what i hate most is that daniel can go any where or do anything by the seat of his pants. he can totally head up to a wedding party and not care if he has no place to stay being 5 hours away from home. it just does not matter to him.
i just need the security of knowing that everything will be ok BEFORE i head out the door.
the funniest part- i have been like this ever since i can remember. ask my mom! it's a disease. the worst part- i have been trying to change since i can remember, but the spontinaeity bone just isn't in me. it really is a disease.
so basically dan and i got into another arguement over the smae old shit we usually do: he is trying to fly be the seat of his pants and i am trying to pin down the details. and then it all just ends up a huge freaking mess.
i know a lot of men are like this, and i hope men realize a lot of women are like this. what i don't understand is why it is so hard for either to comprimise. dan's comprimise ended up being that he called his parents, they have a room reserved with two beds and a couch at some Bn'B. My comprimise is that we still are not sure if we are staying with them or ata relative's house or what.
my other freak out is what to wear??? the invitation said casual dress or "whatever". I am planning on wearing a sky blue linen skirt, but i am not sure if i want to show off a little cleave or if i should keep the puppies in. i know i can't wear heals because i'll ruin the lawn, but i really don't want to wear flip-flops because that seems too causal. ahh the choices, ahh the humanity of it all.
i am going to freak out some more, maybe make a list to make myself feel better, and then have some ice cream. i know there are errors in this entry, but right now a list is really the important thing.
FREAK OUT!
i hate it when i freak out. i hate the fact that everything has to be in order and the plans have to be set before i can actually breath. but what i hate most is that daniel can go any where or do anything by the seat of his pants. he can totally head up to a wedding party and not care if he has no place to stay being 5 hours away from home. it just does not matter to him.
i just need the security of knowing that everything will be ok BEFORE i head out the door.
the funniest part- i have been like this ever since i can remember. ask my mom! it's a disease. the worst part- i have been trying to change since i can remember, but the spontinaeity bone just isn't in me. it really is a disease.
so basically dan and i got into another arguement over the smae old shit we usually do: he is trying to fly be the seat of his pants and i am trying to pin down the details. and then it all just ends up a huge freaking mess.
i know a lot of men are like this, and i hope men realize a lot of women are like this. what i don't understand is why it is so hard for either to comprimise. dan's comprimise ended up being that he called his parents, they have a room reserved with two beds and a couch at some Bn'B. My comprimise is that we still are not sure if we are staying with them or ata relative's house or what.
my other freak out is what to wear??? the invitation said casual dress or "whatever". I am planning on wearing a sky blue linen skirt, but i am not sure if i want to show off a little cleave or if i should keep the puppies in. i know i can't wear heals because i'll ruin the lawn, but i really don't want to wear flip-flops because that seems too causal. ahh the choices, ahh the humanity of it all.
i am going to freak out some more, maybe make a list to make myself feel better, and then have some ice cream. i know there are errors in this entry, but right now a list is really the important thing.
FREAK OUT!
