THE ALTER EGO

i'm stuck at work and bored out of my gourd...

i was just on facebook, looking through everyone elses's pics, and i get jealous everytime. jealous that i am not pretty like her, or haven't graduated like him, or travels like those people. the list? it never ends.

i am not sure why i am so discontent with my life. i am doing just fine in all reality. but when i look at other people's lives i get frustrated with my own. it's silly and stupid and oh so normal all at the same time.

damn it life!

there are so many things i have to be thankful for. i don't even want to begin to list them because that would take an enormous amount of time and i am feeling pretty down on myself.

while i love dan with all of my heart, there are something that i wish he were better about. the first and most important of all is money control. while i don't have all that much room to talk, i have yet to be sent to collections.

let me start by saying that i always wanted a man that could take care of me, knowing full well that i am and will be able to take care of myself no matter what. before dan and i started dating there was a mutual friend that was interested in me as well. nothing ever happened because i was a shy freshman, and a no-so-shy other freshman showed up only to snatch him. she almost took dan, but the other guy was not in a relationship at the time. then there was mutual friend two, he came a long right before dan and i were together. he admitted to my best friend while she was down visiting that he was interesting me almost a year after dan and i were together. while all of this doesn't really mean anything to anyone else- to me it means i missed out, and i hate saying that with all of my heart. both of these other men are set financially, they are practically engaged. one to a stranger. the other to my best friend who stole the good one.

i know i shouldn't be, but i am extremely jealous. i know this is childish and something i should work on. somehow i feel like i am stuck with the bad guy. the one who will never propose, who will enver have enough money or be able to manage what he does have. i could mention plenty of things that he is not or won't be, but again a waste of time. i guess i am just frustrated because i could have been either of those women who are set with a great relationship and a ring to boot. i? i am giving my bf money and the only ring i wear in on my thumb.

i know all of this is so stupid and i just need to get over it. nothing is any better hoping and dreaming right?

damn being human!

That's all this site is to me really. A place to vent, ramble, complain. Call it what you want.

Today I am bloated, achey, almost done being zitty and it totally sucks monkey balls. I am stuck at work in a shitty chair with no back support, which does not help anything except my excessive crabbyness.

I am not ready for classes to start Monday. I don't really have any money to buy books because Dan needed it most of my last paycheck to cover his school expenses from last spring. I am trying not to be upset about it. I could have not offered, but then I would have felt like an asshole watching him stress about it. I wish Dan could take care of himself, his money issues, and not have to rely on me so heavily. Yes it is nice to feel needed, but I feel more like I am bossing him around.

I am trying to impliment record keeping in regard to our finances, but we'll see how long that lasts if it even gets started. I did not expect classes to creep up on my so fast. i have most of my school books, but none of my freaking supplies. Plus no new school clothes, and that is the suckiest part of all. A girl always wants new clothes for school. Tomorrow while Dan is at work, I'll be walking ymself to the bookstore to get supplies and maybe a new sweatshort, seeing as mine is getting huge holes from being worn constantly over the past 5 years. Old sweatshirts are the most comfortable though.

Anyway- I am off to make a overly-long list of crap I need to do.