Friday, August 11, 2006
Fading into the background.
When it comes down to it I feel like I am one of those people that just hangs out in the background. I am not the life of the party in any sense. I do have a big mouth, but what I say is never really important or ground breaking, or even all that funny.
I've had one of those summers that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of me. I am in my last year of college. I have developed a tight, close-knit group of friends, but that's it. Most of them have branched out, moved away, or lost touch. Basically I have no friends. I feel LAME. And then I pity myself and feel ten times more LAME.
I hate the fact that I compare myself to other people, to Daniel, to friends, to strangers. I wish I was more confident and just plain old liked myself better.
Why do I feel so bad about myself, some one somewhere might ask...? Well my ex-roommate decided that she did not want to talk to me while living together because I was just too awful, and then my best friend has not been telling me about crucial life-changing things in her life because she though I "was too busy to deal with her problems". Going through those experiences back to back makes a person wonder about themselves. And for me anytime there is doubt there probably is truth.
I know I am a good person. I strive to be polite, helpful, loving, supportive... Understanding.
I just feel like I am going to lead a dull, unsuccessful, lonely life. That's a very scary feeling.
I've had one of those summers that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of me. I am in my last year of college. I have developed a tight, close-knit group of friends, but that's it. Most of them have branched out, moved away, or lost touch. Basically I have no friends. I feel LAME. And then I pity myself and feel ten times more LAME.
I hate the fact that I compare myself to other people, to Daniel, to friends, to strangers. I wish I was more confident and just plain old liked myself better.
Why do I feel so bad about myself, some one somewhere might ask...? Well my ex-roommate decided that she did not want to talk to me while living together because I was just too awful, and then my best friend has not been telling me about crucial life-changing things in her life because she though I "was too busy to deal with her problems". Going through those experiences back to back makes a person wonder about themselves. And for me anytime there is doubt there probably is truth.
I know I am a good person. I strive to be polite, helpful, loving, supportive... Understanding.
I just feel like I am going to lead a dull, unsuccessful, lonely life. That's a very scary feeling.
// posted by Angela @ 7:18 PM 
