THE ALTER EGO

Daniel has come to frusrate the hell out of me. And it is bcause he does not take care of his end of things. We are headed up to Seattle to visit his family and some of mine, yet I am not sure what days we are going, when we are available to see who... I have no answers for my family because Daniel is behind on his phone calls. I am also frustrated that he did not work yesterday, and has hardly done anything today. Why is it so hard for him to be responsible?

I am not really sure why I get so upset when he does not work. Maybe because my employer was kind enough to hire him to get a job done by a dead line, and now he is fucking around!That's cause enough for frustration right? He just seems so wreckless, and forgetfull, and then he takes care of things at the last minute. I just don't know what the hell to do. Nagging does not take care of it, and I know he should not be the only one to change, but he should try harder damn it! He has gone his whole college career without finding a real job, he just been flying by the seat of his pants and it annoys the hell out of me. I need stability.

I just do not understand why he is always goofing off instead of working or doing something productive. It seems that every chance he gets he is taking a break. I want a break. I want to have time to myself and not have to remind him nof things all the time. He is constantly late with his rent checks and then he gets all stressed out. He then does not have enough time to call his roommates for checks, so he overdraws his account. I am always paying for things. I just want someone who can take care of themselves most of the time, and me sometimes. I need more support than Daniel can provide half the time. He is so non-chelant about everything- except when it comes to his family.

I know I should relax and not get myself so worked up. I know I should try to handle things better, and let Daniel handle his own stuff, but it seems that he can't. He is forever screwing shit up. He hardly ever takes cre of his dishes on time, never makes the bed or picks his horrible clothes up, does not contribute to the laundry money. And he doesn't eat healthy food, so we end up spending our money on dietary shit. I hate that he pokes me and calls me stupid things like Enron ( because I am scandalous. How stupid is that. I want things that are right and nice, and that I know will work out. I am not sure if I can handle Daniel- his cars, his car talk, his low expectations for everything, and the fact that he lets people walk all over him. Maybe things will be better next term. We can get his room set up at his house so that he can spend time over there with Timmy and catcat. I am nervous about the beach. I am scared that I am going to get drunk and end up making out with Paul because there's always been that attraction between us and now he is leaving. I know that would be horrible for Erin and probably Dan.

I am just really fed up with everything. I have no idea what I want half the time and it is driving me crazy. For example- Daniel. I know he is a good guy and would make a great husband if he could get some of his stuff together... But sometimes I feel like I am settling or moving too fast. As stupid as it is, my goal has always been to get married and have babies. I love children and I want to raise good little people that will go out and do wonderful things for the world. Maybe Daniel is not the right person he just feels that way right now. I have never dated anyone else.

It's just that Daniel hardly thinks anything through. It's whatever he feel like, when he feels like it. I really don't want blowout or argument at the beach. I want to have a good time, but I am really irritated with him. Maybe I will drive out with Andrew tomorrow and Daniel can go pick up Dov in Salem. I just wish Daniel would realize that there are people waiting on him for his choices and decisions and not everything is independent of each other, especially when you are in a relationship. He asked my if going up to Washington was ok for Wednesday/Thursday- and I work on Thursday... I mean come on! So now I have to try and request a night off. I may not even go up to Washington. I could just stay home and not deal with traveling or gifts. Just go to work and read a bit. We'll see. I am ready for another break- although I am technically on break! Bleh.