Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Comptemplating life
Do you ever have those days when every damn thing seems upside down?
Yeah it's one of those today... My rent check is a day late, and I don't even have enough money in my account to cover all of it. I may be a few dollars short, but in my mind all I see is that I am short. That's all the damn bank sees, too! I've really been slacking off these last few weeks. Mainly because I am so damn stressed out about the CUNT Megan.
When I went to drop off my rent check I picked up the listings for the apartments that will be available in a few months. I thought I would be living by myself because apparently I cannot live with people, but all of the places are well out of my budget. I don't want to ask my parents for more money because A)my mom is already helping and B)I feel like I should be independent enough to be doing all of this on my own. I feel horrible that my mom gives me rent money to begin with. I work two jobs, how can I not afford to feel and house myself? Answer: weed. That! That is my biggest problem; both for school and money. I've tried before to cut down and to stop, and I just can't seem to get a hold on it. Or on myself for that matter. I'll be 23 in the fall and graduating next summer- I feel like I should grow up. But then I also feel that I am in college, one more year of it, and now is the time to PAAAARTY!
I just don't know what I want from myself right now. I am not sure what I want out of my relationship with Dan. I feel like we are becoming opposites more and more. He doesn't care about taking a few extra minutes to himself, thus blowing off someone else. He is not on top of his money or his money situation with the roommates. He doesn't ever get anything done on time unless he is hounded by someone, and that someone is usually me. I hate hounding him. I feel like his mother- and that is the last person I want to be! I really wish we could see eye-to-eye on more things.
I know I think too much about the future, but I am a planner. I have always been this way for as long as I can remember- and my mother would tell you the same thing! I just feel like maybe in the long run, my relationship with Daniel is not what I thought I bargained for and I am going to be disappointed. I do love him, and I used to think he was the one I wanted to marry and have children with. But I don't know if I can handle his being so lax about every thing. I don't know if I could handle him coming home and having a beer instead of sitting down with his kids. Or going out to one of the 3 cars he wants to work on. I don't want Junkers in my lawn! I don't want a husband that is going to drink all the time or smoke pot. That is not what I want and I promised myself better.
I am not sure how things are going to turn out. Hell- maybe Daniel is feeling the same way. I know that life changes, and changes, and changes; and what seems bad right now is really not. I know it all could be so much worse, so I'll stop complaining right here and get my laundry done so that I feel productive! One good thing is going to happen today.
Yeah it's one of those today... My rent check is a day late, and I don't even have enough money in my account to cover all of it. I may be a few dollars short, but in my mind all I see is that I am short. That's all the damn bank sees, too! I've really been slacking off these last few weeks. Mainly because I am so damn stressed out about the CUNT Megan.
When I went to drop off my rent check I picked up the listings for the apartments that will be available in a few months. I thought I would be living by myself because apparently I cannot live with people, but all of the places are well out of my budget. I don't want to ask my parents for more money because A)my mom is already helping and B)I feel like I should be independent enough to be doing all of this on my own. I feel horrible that my mom gives me rent money to begin with. I work two jobs, how can I not afford to feel and house myself? Answer: weed. That! That is my biggest problem; both for school and money. I've tried before to cut down and to stop, and I just can't seem to get a hold on it. Or on myself for that matter. I'll be 23 in the fall and graduating next summer- I feel like I should grow up. But then I also feel that I am in college, one more year of it, and now is the time to PAAAARTY!
I just don't know what I want from myself right now. I am not sure what I want out of my relationship with Dan. I feel like we are becoming opposites more and more. He doesn't care about taking a few extra minutes to himself, thus blowing off someone else. He is not on top of his money or his money situation with the roommates. He doesn't ever get anything done on time unless he is hounded by someone, and that someone is usually me. I hate hounding him. I feel like his mother- and that is the last person I want to be! I really wish we could see eye-to-eye on more things.
I know I think too much about the future, but I am a planner. I have always been this way for as long as I can remember- and my mother would tell you the same thing! I just feel like maybe in the long run, my relationship with Daniel is not what I thought I bargained for and I am going to be disappointed. I do love him, and I used to think he was the one I wanted to marry and have children with. But I don't know if I can handle his being so lax about every thing. I don't know if I could handle him coming home and having a beer instead of sitting down with his kids. Or going out to one of the 3 cars he wants to work on. I don't want Junkers in my lawn! I don't want a husband that is going to drink all the time or smoke pot. That is not what I want and I promised myself better.
I am not sure how things are going to turn out. Hell- maybe Daniel is feeling the same way. I know that life changes, and changes, and changes; and what seems bad right now is really not. I know it all could be so much worse, so I'll stop complaining right here and get my laundry done so that I feel productive! One good thing is going to happen today.
// posted by Angela @ 11:31 AM 
