THE ALTER EGO

I know I am not fat, but the jean companies seems to have an alternative idea for how I should feel.

When I was in high school I wore a size four. Since being in college I have deluded myself into thinking I am a size two... This is not true as I cannot really fit into those jeans without muffin topping it. Gross! I have no problem with being a size four. But just looking at some websites and different size charts it appears that my 37" waiste is anywhere from a four to a nine. A nine!!! I really do not want to be a size nine. Or an eight, for that matter. I'd really just like to be a four.

I also know that eatting all the McDonald's in the last few months did not help. I have a kazillion excuses, which will do me no good. I just need to eat better. To make wiser choices and no skip out on myself anymore. I just wish it was easier.

I have been trying to go to the REC on campus for the past few weeks, and while there have been some rough patches, I think I've done pretty well for myself, if only I could just keep it up.

I think part of the problem was that over the summer a lot of the family or friends that I had no seen in a while kept commenting on how "skinny" I was, yet I weighed more then than when I was in high school. I am not sure why they thought I had lost weight, maybe it was the fact that I dress myself a little better. I used to have pride in my body. I felt good about how "skinny" I was and didn't mind wearing clothes that showed that off. Now I am not so sure about my weight, and the shape my body is in.

I want to work out and eat better because I know it is good for my health. I also do it because I know that if I get in the habit now I'll have that on my side when I get older and it is harder to shed those pounds that happen to pack on as your metabolism slows.

It's hard to come to the realization that you just cannot eat whatever you want anymore. Especially when you have a boyfriend that can eat ANYTHING and not gain a single pound. Stress doesn't help either. I am graduating in June and am freaking out about it a little bit. I want to feel good, and I want my family there, but at the same time I am afraid I am going to disappoint everyone. It's a terrible feeling that I just can't shake for some reason.

I am not really sure where I am going with this. I just needed to get it all out of my head.

It just comes down to me working out when I tell myself I am going to. Sticking to my eating plan and not over-eating. I hope I make my goal. I know I can make my goal, if only I stick to my standards of what is good and not good.

Damn you body! Get into shape!

No more chips, candy or carbs. It's all about doing well for your body.

i'm stuck at work and bored out of my gourd...

i was just on facebook, looking through everyone elses's pics, and i get jealous everytime. jealous that i am not pretty like her, or haven't graduated like him, or travels like those people. the list? it never ends.

i am not sure why i am so discontent with my life. i am doing just fine in all reality. but when i look at other people's lives i get frustrated with my own. it's silly and stupid and oh so normal all at the same time.

damn it life!

there are so many things i have to be thankful for. i don't even want to begin to list them because that would take an enormous amount of time and i am feeling pretty down on myself.

while i love dan with all of my heart, there are something that i wish he were better about. the first and most important of all is money control. while i don't have all that much room to talk, i have yet to be sent to collections.

let me start by saying that i always wanted a man that could take care of me, knowing full well that i am and will be able to take care of myself no matter what. before dan and i started dating there was a mutual friend that was interested in me as well. nothing ever happened because i was a shy freshman, and a no-so-shy other freshman showed up only to snatch him. she almost took dan, but the other guy was not in a relationship at the time. then there was mutual friend two, he came a long right before dan and i were together. he admitted to my best friend while she was down visiting that he was interesting me almost a year after dan and i were together. while all of this doesn't really mean anything to anyone else- to me it means i missed out, and i hate saying that with all of my heart. both of these other men are set financially, they are practically engaged. one to a stranger. the other to my best friend who stole the good one.

i know i shouldn't be, but i am extremely jealous. i know this is childish and something i should work on. somehow i feel like i am stuck with the bad guy. the one who will never propose, who will enver have enough money or be able to manage what he does have. i could mention plenty of things that he is not or won't be, but again a waste of time. i guess i am just frustrated because i could have been either of those women who are set with a great relationship and a ring to boot. i? i am giving my bf money and the only ring i wear in on my thumb.

i know all of this is so stupid and i just need to get over it. nothing is any better hoping and dreaming right?

damn being human!

That's all this site is to me really. A place to vent, ramble, complain. Call it what you want.

Today I am bloated, achey, almost done being zitty and it totally sucks monkey balls. I am stuck at work in a shitty chair with no back support, which does not help anything except my excessive crabbyness.

I am not ready for classes to start Monday. I don't really have any money to buy books because Dan needed it most of my last paycheck to cover his school expenses from last spring. I am trying not to be upset about it. I could have not offered, but then I would have felt like an asshole watching him stress about it. I wish Dan could take care of himself, his money issues, and not have to rely on me so heavily. Yes it is nice to feel needed, but I feel more like I am bossing him around.

I am trying to impliment record keeping in regard to our finances, but we'll see how long that lasts if it even gets started. I did not expect classes to creep up on my so fast. i have most of my school books, but none of my freaking supplies. Plus no new school clothes, and that is the suckiest part of all. A girl always wants new clothes for school. Tomorrow while Dan is at work, I'll be walking ymself to the bookstore to get supplies and maybe a new sweatshort, seeing as mine is getting huge holes from being worn constantly over the past 5 years. Old sweatshirts are the most comfortable though.

Anyway- I am off to make a overly-long list of crap I need to do.

That's the title of the book I am reading right now. I've realized that I am overly stressing myself worrying about big things, little things, things that really are not worth the time and effort.

So here I am at the end of chapter one and these are suggested questions to answer.

1. Do I tend to put off living in the present in order to worry about the future, or to yearn for some "magical rose garden over the horizon"?
Answer: Hells yes! Maybe there shouldn't be an exclimation point at then end, but whatever. I do worry a lot, I grew up worrying. Most of the time instead of dealing with something, actually dealing with it, I'll lay down and think of the many ways to deal with it. If I am lucky, I'll fix it. Usually I don't and then I come home, lay down and worry about it some more. Freaking healthy huh?

2. Do I sometimes embitter the present by regretting things that happened in the past-that are over and done with?
Answer: Hells freaking yes! I do think back to some of the mistakes I've made and think "what the hell?". I am one of those people that just can't get over somethings. But now? Now I am not one of those people, or at least I am working towards not worry about the closed doors of yesterday.

3.Do I get up in the morning determined to "Seize the day"- to get the utmost of these twenty-four hours?
Answer: No. No I really don't. I've always hated that quote for some reason. Maybe because I am generally lazy and enjoy the "I'll get to it tomorrow" attitude- which DUh! Stress! But that's ok, or at least it was ok.

4.Can I get more out of life by "living in the day-tight compartments"?
Answer: Maybe? I am sure things will get better once I learn to live for today and today mostly. But I'm not there yet, so I am not 100% sure.

lastly 5. When shall I start to do this? Next week...? Tomorrow? Today?
Answer: I am trying to start this right now. And tomorrow. And next week.

When it comes down to it I feel like I am one of those people that just hangs out in the background. I am not the life of the party in any sense. I do have a big mouth, but what I say is never really important or ground breaking, or even all that funny.

I've had one of those summers that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of me. I am in my last year of college. I have developed a tight, close-knit group of friends, but that's it. Most of them have branched out, moved away, or lost touch. Basically I have no friends. I feel LAME. And then I pity myself and feel ten times more LAME.

I hate the fact that I compare myself to other people, to Daniel, to friends, to strangers. I wish I was more confident and just plain old liked myself better.

Why do I feel so bad about myself, some one somewhere might ask...? Well my ex-roommate decided that she did not want to talk to me while living together because I was just too awful, and then my best friend has not been telling me about crucial life-changing things in her life because she though I "was too busy to deal with her problems". Going through those experiences back to back makes a person wonder about themselves. And for me anytime there is doubt there probably is truth.

I know I am a good person. I strive to be polite, helpful, loving, supportive... Understanding.

I just feel like I am going to lead a dull, unsuccessful, lonely life. That's a very scary feeling.

I feel totally sad and upset, nervous, angry, excited... You name it I've felt it today.

Tonight we are drving up to Portland, and then on to Seattle for a wedding. The last few days leading up to our trip has been quite eventful. To start things off- it's that time of the month, which makes any stressful situation that much worse and any non-stressful situation a breeding ground for freak outs.

Right now I am totally pissed with Dan. He is setting up a TV he just bought froma friend instead of packing for our wedding adventure. Yesterday I was pissed because we were headed up to Seattle, 5 hours from home, with no place to stay yet plans of staying in Seattle over night. Wednesday I was pissed because he didn't have his breaks fixed. Yesterday I was pissed because he has failed again at getting his breaks fixed. Today at lunch? The same problem. Finally he took the damned car to Les Schwab instead of waiting for friends to call him back. That put him out 200 bucks.

I am also pissed because earlier I asked him to water my plants before he goes- I will not be back to the apartment before we hit the road. He said ok. Just now I asked him what he'll be doing when he gets home and all he said was packing. I reminded him to water the plants and he told me to stop testing him. If I remind him constantly about doing something like paying his cell phone bill or calling his family he gets pissed and says I nag him. If I don't nag and try to gently remind I am testing. What other freaking options do I have left? Well of course I can completely not worry about Daniel's crap, but it's not only Dan's crap b/c somehow it all ends up back on my plate anyway.

The worst part of today is that we are giving our friend Tom a ride home on our way, which means a 30 minute stop on a two-and-a-half-hour trip. It's not a stop I really want to make and it's not a ride I really want to give, but I can't say no b/c Tom's a great guy. I just feel like everything is spiralling out of control. I have this feeling just about every day of my life, but it gets pretty bad when I travel or I've looked at a credit card balance or when I realize I have to take out a 12,000 loan from a bank because the government caps how much one person can take our for undergrad loans. WTF am I going to do? And now that we are giving Tom a ride I am not going to have a chance to talk to Dan about everything that is upsetting me, which means I have to bottle it up, and that makes me want to explode and break something!

Everytime something happens, be it me freaking out about not having a place for us to stay or him not calling when he ends up being two hours late, I feel like things do not REALLY get worked out. Sure the situation passed, but no commitment is made to try harder. Nothing changes, and a month later we're back at it for the same old stuff. It drives me BAT SHIT!

The good news, Dan will be quitting his smoking habit at the end of the summer. Thus he will actually have money to help with the bills. At least he'd better.

So right now, boys and money are my problems. What other problem can a girl have? Really?

so basically life totally sucks right now, and by that i mean that i am being totally girly and meoldramaticy and really? it sucks.

i hate it when i freak out. i hate the fact that everything has to be in order and the plans have to be set before i can actually breath. but what i hate most is that daniel can go any where or do anything by the seat of his pants. he can totally head up to a wedding party and not care if he has no place to stay being 5 hours away from home. it just does not matter to him.

i just need the security of knowing that everything will be ok BEFORE i head out the door.

the funniest part- i have been like this ever since i can remember. ask my mom! it's a disease. the worst part- i have been trying to change since i can remember, but the spontinaeity bone just isn't in me. it really is a disease.

so basically dan and i got into another arguement over the smae old shit we usually do: he is trying to fly be the seat of his pants and i am trying to pin down the details. and then it all just ends up a huge freaking mess.

i know a lot of men are like this, and i hope men realize a lot of women are like this. what i don't understand is why it is so hard for either to comprimise. dan's comprimise ended up being that he called his parents, they have a room reserved with two beds and a couch at some Bn'B. My comprimise is that we still are not sure if we are staying with them or ata relative's house or what.

my other freak out is what to wear??? the invitation said casual dress or "whatever". I am planning on wearing a sky blue linen skirt, but i am not sure if i want to show off a little cleave or if i should keep the puppies in. i know i can't wear heals because i'll ruin the lawn, but i really don't want to wear flip-flops because that seems too causal. ahh the choices, ahh the humanity of it all.

i am going to freak out some more, maybe make a list to make myself feel better, and then have some ice cream. i know there are errors in this entry, but right now a list is really the important thing.

FREAK OUT!